Previous Entry Share Next Entry
I have known that I have had problems with both anxiety and depression for sometime. I can probably even tell you where they come from, aside from the genetic predisposition I have for mental ailments. I would rather not go into that on here, if you know me then you will know what I am speaking of. Over the course of the past few years the feelings have intensified with each negative thing that has happened in my life. I have been through a divorce, and that lead to a few other issues along the way. I recently ended up in the hospital with a severe pulmonary problem, during the treatment for this my doctors decided that I had something wrong with me upstairs. (I flipped out when they tried to put a mask on my face) After consulting with someone on the staff they put me on an anxiety medication to keep me calm throughout the treatment process. After leaving the hospital, my primary care decided to keep the treatment up but switched me to a different medication to treat both anxiety and depression.

As I continue to seek treatment for these feelings of anxiety and depression, I still find myself only well while under the influence of these medications. I dream of death, literally. I am unable to sleep a full night because of it. I wake in a startle, scared. The depression is still there, and it does interfere with my abilities to manage myself, my finances, and to have a family life that is constructive. I realize that treatment takes time, it just seems as though things are not getting better. Though I have landed a job that pays well enough to support us, and have some surplus for savings, I do not feel truly happy inside. I have not for quite some time, and it is taking a toll on me.

  • 1
Treatment is a long and steady process for something like that. If you do choose to continue taking medication, above all else, do NOT stop cold turkey.

I was taking Zoloft for a period of time when you knew me in high school, actually. I've taken Celexa and Lexapro throughout my years, as well. I do want to say that the only thing that's really helped me get through it is my mentality. I am determined not to fall, even though it still happens. Increasing awareness of what I'm doing or how I'm thinking helps me stop it from escalating sometimes, but I will admit that it's not just that easy. God only knows.

Just be patient with yourself. Medicine is not a cure-all without your determination, but it can certainly ease things enough to get everything sorted. You have a beautiful woman and gorgeous children. You've been blessed with employment and food and water and you're not dying from that lung stuff!

I was fucking terrified, I'll admit. I hid it, but I did not know what to do or what I would do if it got worse. It's hard being so far away sometimes...

And I know it sounds cliche, but sometimes therapy helps, if anything else to bring in some anonymous and outside perspective on how to look at things. They're not a cure-all either, but I've had it for a number of years, too, and they helped me see some traits and behaviors of mine that I was too stubborn to confront mentally.

I understand that there is a lot of damage from the past and open wounds that haven't quite healed and I am in no way excusing that with an optimistic "JUST THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS IT'LL BE ALL BETTER!" I recognize that life is tough and that every little thing is a step in the right direction, but the journey will always have tiring moments. But in order to overcome anxiety and depression, you will need to train yourself to relax and begin the healing process from all the hurts you've experienced in the past, because they affect who you are and how you act, and it's not fair to you to have to deal with something that happened so long ago, over and over and over again.

Love you. Breathe deep. Relax your muscles if you can.

  • 1

Log in

No account? Create an account